An ode to my old self — the disempowered Projector

Musings

To the one who kept saying yes when she meant no.

To the one who thought over-giving would earn her a place at the table or the affection she deeply yearned for.

To the one who prided herself on her productivity as a badge of honor.

To the one who mistook exhaustion for Success and identified rejection as her worth.

To the one who tried to keep up with the endless hum of energy around her,
never realizing her rhythm was designed to move differently, that it was never about keeping up or fitting in, but standing out.

To the one who assumed self-protection over self-allowance growing up, never realizing she never really allowed herself to ever receive.

To the one who eventually realizes that the exhaustion and pushing were not normal, that waiting for recognition does not equate to waiting in despair. That her body held all the clues, if she had listened more intently. That if she listened, she would realize that she was designed to move differently, to guide, not to grind.

To the one who waited — not in power, but in despair, not in empowerment, but in resignation. Who thought waiting meant she was forgotten, or late, or too slow,
who thought she had to speak louder, do more, command the room, so she would be chosen, loved and heard.

To the one who tries to do everything on her own, because being resourced means being indebted.

To the one who avoided the mirror of her own healing,
who filled her hours with distractions, borrowed narratives, and excuses,
because change felt heavier than staying the same.

I honor you. I honor all of you.
You did not know another way.
You were surviving the only way you could.

You did not know another way because no one showed you a glimpse of what another reality could look like.

But I no longer live with you.

I have lovingly outgrown you.

I have learned rest is not laziness, but a sacredness, and sensitivity is not a weakness but a gift.

I have learned my worth was never tied to output.

I have learned that waiting can feel equally soft, fun, playful and flourishing, not depleting.

I have learned that waiting is a refinement towards correct and aligned interactions and recognition that is meant for me.

I have learned that I am not for everyone.

I have learned to let my aura work its magic rather than letting the reins of my mind get in the way.

I have learned to say yes to a waiting that looks different in every season of my life.

I have learned that what is correct for me may not make sense to the world, and I listen to it anyway.

I have learned to say yes to myself before saying yes to the world.

You brought me here at a time when I needed to learn, to grow, to expand, and now I release you.

I can take it from here now, my love.

With gratitude. With love. With remembrance.

Love, your future self.

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