VIII: I do not have the easiest relationship with my mother…
Musings
I do not have the easiest relationship with my mother.
To this day, I still harbour bitterness towards her, more than I’ll admit.
Reparenting myself over the years and working on ancestral healing and spirituality have shaped how I perceive her and our relationship.
Loving kindness/metta meditation has helped me tremendously.
My mom is also a Projector in Human Design.
Specifically, a 6/2 Self-Projected Projector.
But an unconscious and disempowered one, too.
To this very day, she does not know anything about Human Design.
For my whole life, I have seen her offering unsolicited advice and interrupting conversations, operating out of her wounded femininity. Despite her arrogance and refusal to admit it, I have seen her feeling unseen and unrecognized. I have also seen her shine in her creative expressions through her Conscious Sun of Gate 8, her unwavering sense of identity as a Self-Projected Projector, including the solitude-driven and reclusive side of her as a line 2 who often gets tired of the external world.
The arguments and the words we would hurl at one another in our past, as two Self-Projected Projectors, were as sharp as a blade, vulnerable to the slightest criticism, capable erecting walls as high as the ceiling and brutal enough to tear each other down.
Above it all, I see a wounded girl beneath her.
On this Mother’s Day, my brother and I had a bouquet ordered for her place. She took a quick selfie with it (below), thanked us in our family group, and quickly added that that was unnecessary. And that we shouldn’t have wasted the money; a meal would be sufficient.
She was still terrible at receiving.
If I could have one word to describe my relationship with my mom, the word would be turbulent.
Living far away from my family has always been a double-edged sword. As much as I would love to take her out for dinner today in Singapore, these little gestures were the only ways I could do from afar, and remind her, despite it all, that I do love and honor her as my mother.
Will that day ever come when she finally awakens?
Some people never awake in this lifetime,
and that is okay, too.
Can I have compassion for her based on her childhood trauma and lack of awareness of her Projector divinity?
Yes.
Can I gently support her with patience, empathy, and compassion in her interactions with others, including guiding her to have compassion for herself?
100%.
A recent client asked how and why I decided to support exclusively Projectors when I became a Human Design Reader. The truth is, I never quite figured out why my G center decided to do that.
In retrospect, perhaps my soul wanted me to heal my relationship with my mother by supporting the Projector collective.
<3
To everyone who did not have the healthiest relationship with your mother, or had an absent/emotionally immature mother figure, I hope you also use this day today on Mother’s Day to celebrate YOU for reparenting yourself; for having the commitment and refusal to abandon yourself and the continued healing work you have been working on yourself till this very day,
I see you.